DOOR KNOCKER RAPS AND SQUEAKS
C'mon, if you're ready. Stir yourself.
You realise, I'm only learning to do this for charity.
Get on with it.
S'pose somebody's looking?
It's just you and me!
I don't want that word spreading round.
I'm not going to brag about it!
DANCE MUSIC ON STEREO
C'mon, twinkle toes, follow me.
# I'm an Indian outlaw Half Cherokeean Chalktaw
# My baby She's Ichikawa She's one of a kind
# All my friends call me Dirtcraw
# Village chief is my Papa
# He gets his orders from my Mama She makes him walk the line... #
Hey!
What now?
Shouldn't be faffing about. I should be bottoming that bedroom!
But it was your idea!
It was all right at the idea stage.
It's a line dance. We shan't have to get married.
Ooh!
I sometimes wonder if I should have married Rita Hayworth.
Her mother was all for it.
"Marry him," she said, "and you'll never be short of excitement."
"And look how well he maintains his bicycle."
How well would you have maintained Rita Hayworth?
With only a bicycle repair outfit?
She doted on me. Wanted to buy me a new wheel.
You'd only have felt like a kept man.
Pity she didn't keep him.
It's a wonderful story.
It has everything - romance, bicycles. Where did you meet her?
We went to the same chippy.
One night, she splashed me with vinegar. She liked you with vinegar!
Did she try you with curry sauce?
Or a dip. You'd be ideal with a dip.
Boy meets girl.
Girl splashes boy with vinegar.
I like a good love story.
Hits me every time.
You're inclined to be sceptical, you lot.
PHONE RINGS
If that's Mr Teasdale, don't tell him I'm playing golf.
S'pose he asks? Lie, cheat, improvise! Think of something!
316... Ooh, hello, Mr Teasdale!
We're fine, thank you.
And yourself and Mrs Teasdale?
Barry? Barry's...
..nipped out for a moment.
Yes, that's right, it's his day off.
What does he do usually?
Sometimes he goes...
flying.
Oh, not flying!
I mean, flying out.
Sometimes we both go out.
We do a bit of shopping.
Maybe go for a drive.
He likes to take the car for a run.
Yes, that's true. Sometimes he plays...golf.
The thing about Rita Hayworth was, she was my size.
Alvin, you shrunk Rita Hayworth?
What did Aly Khan have to say?
It wasn't HIS Rita Hayworth. It was a lass from Macclesfield.
Oh, the Macclesfield Rita Hayworth!
I remember her not starring in Gilda!
Not opposite Glenn Ford. I saw that.
They wouldn't act with her
due to her temperamental reputation for throwing vinegar.
I was two-timing her.
I told her I always did that.
Was it fair to confine all this Alvin to just one woman?
Don't stare, it's rude.
Anyone would think we'd never seen
a bloke up to his waist in water strangling a swan before.
I think he's seeking attention.
The best thing is to ignore him.
How do!
Am I all right this way for Ilkley?
I wouldn't say it's your best route.
I don't suppose you've got a puncture outfit?
He's got a Swiss army pocket knife.
Name's Jolliffe. How do!
ALL: How do!
Are there many people round here desperate to get wet?
That's negative thinking. You've got to point out the advantages.
Of getting wet? There must be some. Think!
I'm surprised you haven't got some.
I'm better with a customer.
and I'm combat ready.
Sharpens the reflexes.
It's not a customer you need - it's a right muffin.
Here's one now!
I don't like picking on him. We're related.
Still - mustn't show favouritism.
Are you ready to explore the wonders of the underwater world?
Is it a bus trip? No.
It's wetter than that.
Oh. Aren't you a bit old to play with rubber ducks? Ohh...
A swan boat. Moonlight on the water, just you and Howard...
I don't let him out by moonlight. He's enough trouble during the day.
Wives. I think they're all doing Open University - reading suspicion.
Advanced.
And they pass.
Now, Pearl, allow me to introduce Leonard Jolliffe.
The swan man of Ilkley!
Never 'eard of 'im.
Well no, I'm only just starting! I haven't got there yet!
He's got a hole in his dinghy.
Certainly gives that impression.
You've got them as well - prickly women. Yes - no shortage.
Mine comes complete with her sister.
She's got back-up!
Hello, stranger!
Are you waiting for me?
For you - from me.
Oh...a rubber suit!
Oh, Howard, I've heard about stuff like this!
It's a wetsuit! I want you to wear it!
Shouldn't we wait till it's dry?
Oh! Ha ha! Hm.
I'd like you to meet my uncle from Chesterfield.
Morning! Hiya!
Do you think they suspected anything?
I didn't tell him you were playing golf today.
I just said you play it sometimes.
I think there's a leak in our organisation.
Just go, while Mr Teasdale's nowhere in sight!
Hold it!
Haven't you forgotten something?
First-aid kit, mobile, distress signal, operating theatre. No.
Come here, Barry!
He could be watching!
Nobody's watching! And it's lawful - you've got a marriage licence!
They endorse that for speeding.
Let's find out!
Phwoar.
I shall be a bag of nerves on that first tee.
For a golfer, that was a great kiss.
They say it's all in the grip.
Psst!
Come in, Howard.
Can I leave these here for an hour, Cleggy?
Pearl will never understand the urge I have
to explore the wonders of the underwater world.
Pearl understands your urges only too well, Howard.
What...are you alone?
Yes, Howard.
We are alone at last.
Where are the others?
Out there somewhere, repairing a swan.
Serves me right for asking.
What are you doing with that thing?
Everything is in order, madam.
We've been road testing that swan.
What's he doing in a frock?
It's not a frock, missus. It's the uniform of the Swan Man of Ilkley.
It looks like a frock.
Where did that come from? Did someone rub an old lamp?
You'll get used to her. You what?
Her husband must have got used. He died! Is that "getting used"?
Eats out of my hand. I'm teaching her line dancing.
Sounds unnatural to me. Wouldn't teaching her to smile be better?
Hasn't the face for it. She keeps it ready for the next Depression.
She WAS the next Depression.
He needs a hobby - a new interest. They help in cases of depression.
I'm not depressed.
No, he always looks like that!
What are his interests?
Uh...
Tell Miss Davenport what you're interested in!
What sets your motor running?
What sort of thing amuses him?
It's not easy to tell.
I got quite interested... when I had blood pressure.
I am surprised.
Not just that you have pressure, but blood!
It was something to talk about.
When people said, "How are you?",
I got quite good at talking blood pressure.
Has my Howard been in?
He said he was "researching".
He took a book on snorkelling and left.
Does your Howard snorkel?!
Mainly when he lies on his back.
If anyone sees him, send him home.
Would that be in your parameters?
Do you like watersports?
I had a goldfish.
A goldfish? I hate that.
People keeping goldfish. I hate it at fairs.
Fish in little bags.
I loved it!
He did. He cried when he buried it.
He keeps a fin in his wallet.
Gets followed by cats.
Why Swan Man, Lenny? Duckman doesn't do it for me.
Sparrowman. That's more me!
Red Spotted Woodpecker Man?
I don't have any spots. You soon will have, splashing in canals.
I won't be long. I'll float up and down a bit, talk to the swans,
and in no time they'll call me...
the Swan Man of Ilkley. A big one?
People in white coats come.
And then I'll write my autobiography.
It will sell if it's called The Swan Man Of Ilkley. A title like that?
They'll be interested.
What's the book about?
Life in a pickle factory.
You need a catchy title.
The Pickle Man Of Ilkley. I see his point.
Are you up to speed on pickles? Or is it another advertising ploy?
I spent me life in pickles!
I get fed up with people going, "Lenny from the pickle factory."
From now on, it will be, "There 'e goes, the Swan Man of Ilkley."
I bet someone says, "Didn't he used to be Lenny from the pickle factory?"
I'll wither 'em with contemptuous silence.
Sounds like home.
First job is to reach Ilkley. The swan boat looks past it.
Appearances can be deceptive.
This has been repaired.
And subjected to rigorous testing.
AIR ESCAPES FROM DINGHY'S VALVE
Ooh, look at this!
It's big for its size.
Which one of you is Entwistle?
Only one I know is in Hong Kong.
His name's on the truck.
Oh, that Entwistle! Gone sick.
He'll be sick when he gets back - sold my missus rubbish.
AIR ESCAPES FROM DINGHY
Hard to believe of Dr Entwistle.
Doctor?
PhD in electrical science. Man of highest integrity.
He said it was nearly new.
AIR ESCAPES
That's your response, then, is it? Taking the mickey?
Cease, in the name of the Swan Man of Ilkley!
Come at me with a stick, would you?
Here you are. Do they never settle down?
Why does Smiler want a new interest at his age?
You're doing line dancing! Under pressure.
The vicar wants to get a group going. I wish I'd never said.
I wish someone else had never said!
I think that's nice, Mrs Batty.
It'll do you good. Do you enjoy it?
I am not enjoying it.
I'll challenge anyone who says I am.
I'm not having people thinking I'm some silly fluffy-headed bimbo!
I don't think you're in much danger of that.
But if you end up going down that route, I'm available for advice.
Don't get her going. She'll blame me. You opened your mouth.
It's line dancing! You're not lap dancing.
Not yet. Once you get your feet on the slippery slope...
I'll say this much for the Swan Man - he can move in that frock.
Will he return for this old boat?
At the speed he was travelling, he'll be back any minute.
Good job that fella went after him. Saved me having to throw him out.
My instinct is to duck.
But if you've got the nerve to go line dancing with Nora Batty...
That's the bravest thing I've heard.
Just need a firm hand.
I told the missus that. "I'll be master in my own four walls," I said.
When I stop sleeping in the shed.
Good job he were out of condition.
Off you go, Barry. May be rusty - I've not played for a while.
Nobody's counting, Mr Teasdale.
Herman.
Just relax and enjoy.
You can be too self-critical at this game.
I'm not happy with this grip.
Ever have trouble with your grip?
Only on Mrs Teasdale!
Huh? Oh. Oh, right!
No point being too serious - it's only a game.
I didn't mean that.
Ah, that's not great.
You're going to show me up.
Butterfly.
I can't resist a butterfly.
Oh! Oh, I like that.
So relaxed about your golf, you have time to notice a butterfly.
Wish I could be like that!
RUMBLE OF GOLF BAG WHEELS
Why don't we let them play through?
You're a gentleman.
Eh...if you can't take your time and enjoy it, what's the point?
Will Smiler be any good at it if he finds a new interest?
I bet it wasn't his idea to find an interest.
I can't imagine him showing enough interest in finding an interest.
If you're not watching every minute, they find their own interest.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!
I asked Smiler in the library what he was interested in.
He wouldn't say. No. Mine won't either. He looked confused.
Like Barry if you ask what he wants to eat.
At least we discouraged Smiler from getting another goldfish.
I can't stand cruelty to goldfish.
And bullfighting. But bullfighters have a prettier uniform.
That's the only excuse Howard's not come up with.
"I'm going bullfighting."
Do you think there's any danger?
Not really.
He'd lose against the goldfish.
Are you sure that talking Smiler out of a goldfish was wise?
They'd make an ideal couple.
I don't believe you should have a pet unless you can cuddle it.
That's been my working principle.
Is there a danger of wearing them out?
I hope no-one thinks that's why Howard's less than huge.
Did Miss Davenport find out what Smiler might be interested in?
Country and Western! He likes cowboy music!
He's always wanted to sing with a horse!
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
Oh no!
Why does Swan Man need boat?
You've got to advertise. Image is everything.
You float in this, they'll notice.
Why does Swan Man need boat that sinks?
Sound as a bell, now.
Floats like a bell?! Is that encouraging?
He's only going to Ilkley. You could get to Norway in that.
Bird Man of Norway? I don't think so!
Cut-throats. They bleed a lot.
Do you mind, when I'm eating?
Can't be squeamish, lad.
Push through the gagging barrier.
Be prepared for unpleasantness.
Like Chief Inspector?
Worse.
Maybe not worse, but different.
What's the worst thing you've seen squashed on a road?
Me foot. Truck backed over it.
Should have applied his foot brake.
It's a laugh a minute with you.
World needs a laugh!
World needs romance.
Do you think there's as much romance about as there used to be?
Not in our house.
It's sad. When did you last see a couple holding hands?
Right - press her down.
Check for bubbles.
Bubbles? True love! I like it!
You enjoyed your time in Vice Squad!
I used to know Bubbles. She was a stripper.
Thy never knew a stripper!
I worked with her. Alvin was a stripper? Not many people know that.
Not many people want to know that.
Now you're working with another Bubbles - lucky Alvin!
She was a paint stripper!
I thought Mrs Truelove could do that with her tongue.
She went to the same school as my missus. Still sleeping in the shed?
Only when we have company.
You showed her who's boss. You have to.
It's going to be famous, my boat.
She'll end up in a museum.
Not the pickle factory? No, I've retired.
Now I'm able to live the dream.
Wise man books wake-up call.
Who let go of the boat? C'mon, who let go of the boat?
Right, man.
Get hold of this, Alvin.
Did we vote on this?
I demand a recount.
You'll be all right. You're used to swinging through trees.
Suppose I miss?
Nah. Who's going to miss at this distance?
Answers on a postcard, please!
The winner gets to dry Alvin.
Watch the boat. Don't hurt the boat.
Of course. I'm touched by all your concern, Lenny.
You'll be all right! I plan these things down to the last detail!
Ooh! I don't like that word, "last"!
Do you? If you're going to do dangerous things,
the "last" word is the last word you want to hear!
Stop cheering him up! You're undermining his brave and daring...what's the word?
Stupidity.
That's it.
Is he wearing anything sharp?
He's had no connection with anything sharp for as long as I can remember.
Off you go. Right.
One, two, three...go!
BRANCH CREAKS
I'm dry! I landed on my nose, but I'm dry!
Let his nose wreck him, we decided.
These things are planned to the last detail. Has he got a sharp nose?
Not any more!
I don't want anything sharp in that swan boat.
He has distinguished squashed nose.
Distinguished for its breaking power.
Stage one - give Alvin nose burn.
Stage two - get the boat to shore.
How do I do that?
Come along, Bubbles. Let's hear the captain speak.
Quite simple.
Here - catch this.
Oh-oh-oh!
GURGLING UNDERWATER Butterfingers.
In you go, Lenny. Fetch your boat.
I'm not swinging out there!
I don't want Lenny landing on me!
It was never this much fun in the pickle factory. Relax.
Everything's under control.
This is a well-planned operation.
Here, Alvin. Catch this.
Tie it to the swan and let me have it.
Give us the rope. It's going fine.
Can you catch, Lenny? Never dropped a pickle.
Boat coming!
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
The hitch-hiking Swan Man of Ilkley.
He'll get there in no time.
You want to bear right after Otley!
Do you think he's barmy?
No - just a little eccentric.
Ha! As barmy as that!
Absolutely.
Trouble with world - no time to sit and think
about buying reconditioned washing machine.
# Half Cherokeean Chalktaw
# My baby she's Ichikawa She's one of a kind. #
Hey! He-hey!
'Hey!'